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Definitions Of Words I Just Made Up By Zach Seemayer All I ever hear about on CNN and ABC and CSPAN and especially FOX is how wonderful other cultures and languages are, and how limited and juvenile American English is. The other day, my English “teacher” told that that English is derived from German, and is therefore “not a romance language.” That offends me to my very patriotic core. So what if it’s “linguistically accurate”? I know English is a romance language, because when I hear it I get turned on. I’m aroused most of the time, and this can be the only explanation. Anyway, when I told this to my teacher he became “uncomfortable” and had campus security escort me out. Anyway, all of this is not the point. What I’m trying to say is that I am here to give the English language a little boost. I always here that other languages have words so complex that simply can’t be translated into English. For example, the Eskimos have 9000 words for snow, some only one letter long; others take entire pages to spell. This is why the English language is wonderful in my opinion. While they have one word meaning “thin snow” and another meaning “fluffy snow” we simply have the word “snow” and then adjectives to get the same god damn point across if it’s necessary. Usually, it’s not necessary. Who the fuck lives in snow now days? Eskimos? That’s because those people are sadly retarded. Want to know how I know that? They need 9000 words for frozen water. Look, here is what I’m trying to get to, using my mastery of the English language, I have discarded all of it and just decided to make up random words that I have arbitrarily made up and only loosely have a connection to any form of oral communication. So, without further ado, 10 definitions to complex words I’ve made up and are too complex to be translated to any other language. Tavernition [Tav-ern-ish-on]- The feeling of foreboding when you know you’ll be hitting the bars and only bad things are to follow when you start drinking. Knarcking [Nar-king]- Rough sex that accidentally leads to a stripper’s death, even if a stripper wasn’t involved in the sex. Shegars [She-gars]- Fruit-flavored cigars or cigarellos that are only smoked by women and gay men. Shood [Shoe-d]- Food with absolutely NO nutritional value and is so hedonistic that it seems ridiculous i.e.-Taco Bell Famous Bowls. Vokanger [Vo-cane-gar]- An intense rage directed at all around you due to the stupidity of your bosses at work. Ubbered [Eww-burred]- boredom unlike any other, caused by having a class with a mono-tone teacher who specializes in a topic no one could ever care about even if they were paid to care. And, like, paid a lot. Jankered [Jane-kurd]- When a girl is obsessed with you, and makes sure you never leave her side. Like “whipped”, but she uses violence instead of her Wang Polisher. Gknawgina [Naw-gy-nah]- A painfully tight vagina, that feels like it's biting down on your knob. Often found in virgins, anorexic girls and aliens from the planet SEX.* NASA wasn’t too creative with that one. Gleeb [Glee-b]-A wet, disgusting, explosive sneeze, often used to spread disease. Spricks- [Spuh-ricks]- Unbelievably stupid jackasses. Super Pricks. They are the guys who try to steal your girlfriend. While you are there. While you are having sex with her. They don’t care. Also, the same guys who used to spit milk in the weak kids face and then spread rumors he had splooge on his face. Sure, they are funny. But they need to be castrated for the good of the world.
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