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Ask A Spartan
Advice From History's Deadliest Warrior
Week of 8/18
Dear Spartan,
Since I was in Elementary School, I have been over weight and I have always felt uncomfortable about this. Kids in school used to mock me, and now I think people are talking about my weight behind my back. I mean, I’m not obese or anything, but I was just hoping you could tell me how I might be able to feel better about myself.
-Awkward-in-Anaheim
Dear Awkward,
In my home land of Spartan, you would never have reached man hood. You should feel great shame for your lack of discipline and lack of honor to your own body. My frame is a temple hewn from the mightiest stone, allowing me to mercilessly kill hundreds in battle. If you were in the mildest of confrontations you would be killed effortlessly. You are nothing but a quivering pillar of embarrassment compared to any of my countrymen
-Spartan
Dear Spartan,
I work for a small manufacturing company and I just recently got on the board that makes decisions towards the future of the company. I want to take the production in a different direction, but it seems as if everyone else is against me. How can I negotiate my way around this conflict to get what I want?
-Diplomatic-in-El Monte
Dear Diplomatic
Negotiate? Men negotiate naught. Diplomacy is the useless action of weak men that will inevitably fail and lead to war either way. You ooze weakness and you complain against having a few who oppose you? I once stood with a troop of 20 men against a marauding Barbarian horde numbering in the thousands. We had been traveling for many days, and the cold Grecian winter had warped our spears and cracked our swords. With naught more than our fists and teeth we decimated wave after wave of Barbarian warriors, ripping them limb from limb and finding sustenance from drinking their tainted blood. Yet you complain about someone not agreeing with your plan? If you truly want them to hear your point, find the leader of the council, and with a powerful slash, decapitate him. Plant his head on a pike, and all those who see his head paraded down the halls will know who the natural, rightful leader. Anything less than this is further proof that you are nothing but a pathetic wretch of a man.
-Spartan
Dear Spartan
I’ve been reading your “Ask a Spartan” column, and you never give anyone advice. Your threaten them or make fun of them. Sometimes you just go off on random tangents about how much of a badass you are, but you never seem to help anyone. The column should be called “Get insulted by a Spartan.” Why not get off your high horse and actually help somebody?
-Annoyed-in-Alhambra
Dear Annoyed
From the return address on the letter you sent me, I now know where you live. Kiss your women and offspring goodbye because me and my mighty horse Gargothius (how you knew of his towering size and posture I know not, but it concerns me little) are coming to your house and I will be bring Spartan steel and the fire of Hades with me. Prepare for eminent decimation!
-Spartan
Transcribed from the Spartan's scolls by Zach Seemayer and Lev Shtrikman
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