|
Man Builds First Car Made out of Douche By Angelo Bowers SAN FRANCISCO-After much lauded publicity the world can now rest after knowing that South San Francisco resident Chris Halloran has built the first automobile made completely out of douche. It took Halloran just three years to make the first ever douche mobile that can actually go two miles on a full tank of biodegradable douche. “There still are a lot of issues we have to deal with. First of all the car reeks of douche, yeah, there’s no way of getting around that. That’s probably going to be the hugest obstacle since the whole car is made out of douche and douche related products. It’s basically one big pile of douche on wheels… I mean,,, yeah… It’s a lot of douche,” says Halloran. The douche mobile has been the talk of the bay area even though the car can only reach 10 mph and will explode if it comes in contact with anything sharper then plastic. “The first model ended up exploding after it ran into Toshi (Halloran’s cat). It was terrible because it took us weeks to find my cat in all that douche,” says Halloran while checking the oil in the new Douche Cadillac XP. The car itself will be the cheapest automobile in history at a going rate of 11 dollars. “The only bad thing is that it takes about three years to make just one Douche Mobile and, of course, the other problem is the fact that you’ll be driving a car made out of douche,” Halloran said, pausing to smoke a cigarette. “But other then that it’s a great car!” added douche mechanic Jeffrey Parker. The new line of cars have also faced considerable backlash from several California-based health and sanitation departments. “Who the hell thinks it’s safe to build a car made out of douche bags? Those cars are portable biohazards! That Halloran guy is going to get sued by every health department in the state! What is he going to build next? A spaceship made out of douche? The man is crazy!” says local health inspector Stephanie Wallace. Halloran, who has been unemployed for the last six years, earns money by helping his uncle Pete Molican “salvage” auto parts. “That there boy is a good ol’ son of a bitch. You see I damn near blinded myself from drinking too much of that there homemade pain juice (whiskey) and now I can’t see so good and well (takes a drink from a jug) that there boy has helped me steal- uh, no, no, I mean salvage auto parts for uh… public distribution. That’s it. He’s a good man,” says Molican. Despite newfound fame and critical backlash towards his new invention, Halloran still seems excited about the future. “I’m just glad I got to make my dream come true. This car is going to revolutionize America. I mean, sure it doesn’t have air conditioning, no radio, heater, or emergency brakes… and it smells like a douche bag but, this baby can fly… as long as you don’t go over 10mph or else it will explode. I just know everyone is going to love it!” You can purchase a Douche Mobile, Douche Cadillac, Douche Infiniti, Douche Bag Station Wagon, and Douche Motorcycle at Uncle Pete’s Junk Yard at 344 Quint St.
|
|
