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Confessions Of A Dead Man By Zach Seemayer Dear friends, If you are reading this I have shuffled off this mortal coil to seek rich purchase in the soil and my ephemeral being has been spirited away to the great, unknowable beyond. Many of you will remember me for my pursuit of knowledge or for my constant strive to better both myself and man kind as a whole. I have tried to be courteous to everyone I have meet and I’ve made an honest attempt to live both a life of exuberance and reasonable eccentricity leading to an eventual plateau of pleasant enlightenment. However, I have committed deeds in my life that weigh heavy on my soul and they are anchors I must cast off to be free to spend my life in blissful eternity. So, to those who I have accidentally wronged, my sincerest apologies are as follows: To Ellen, my darling wife, I am sorry that I couldn’t be stronger and fight harder against this malady that has cost me my life. I will not be there to the end with you, but know that you will always have me in spirit and I will always be in your heart and in your mind. I know that death is not a fault bestowed upon me solely, but my guilt still hangs heavy on my heart. To Kimberly, my greatest friend, I was the one who imbibed all the fine Cutty Sark in your pantry without disclosing my actions to you. I know this is but a petty slight, and in the wake of my death will mean little to you, but I knew I would regret it if I was not to inform you. To Daniel, my son, I must confess that I once had a brief affair with your ex-wife. It meant little to me, but I had been drinking and I had little realization what it would do to your marriage. I am truly sorry for this. To Megan, my daughter, I must inform you that it was I who cut off all the heads of your dearest stuffed animals while you slept when you were but a young girl. I told you that someone had broken into your room in the middle of the night, probably a sexual deviant, and had removed the head as a warning. At the time, my little mischievous prank seemed to be utterly hilarious. I have been told recently, however, by your good friend Diane, that this had a much longer lasting affect than I had previously anticipated and that you still have nightmares and are afraid to sleep or date, hence your heavy dependence on amphetamines. Truly, I feel like it is somehow my fault. Also, I’m sorry for sleeping with your best friend Diane just to find things out about you. To Diane, my secret lover, I am sorry for revealing our affair to my daughter and my wife in this letter. Perhaps I could have avoided revealing it, but it seemed important that my daughter and wife knew all my faults. I know that you are employed by my wife and that my daughter is your co-worker, but I doubt this confession with have too heavy of an impact on your life. To Theodore, my colleague, it was I who shit on your desk. You had gone off to use the restroom and I just pulled down my pants and dropped a huge deuce right on whatever it was your were writing. When you came back, you were very displeased. I told you a shit fairy did it. I regret to inform you that Shit Fairies don’t actually exist, it was me. Also, I broke into your house and shit in your dresser drawers. Don’t worry, you’ll see it when you get home. |
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