Hallmark break-up cards
By Zach Seemayer
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
You're ugly"
"I want to spend
The rest of my days
With the one girl
I truly love.
So I better start looking for her."
"I can't tell what I like more about you...
Oh right. Nothing.
I hate you."
"There once was a man
Who went into a pet store.
He wanted to buy a dog.
The store clerk said,
"You don’t want a dog.
They are big and expensive
and just a pain in the ass.
What you want
is a toothless hamster."
The man asked why he would want
a toothless hamster.
The clerk said,
"Pull down your pants
and you'll see."
The man pulled down his pants
and the toothless hamster
Flew across the room
and gave him the best head ever.
The man bought it, of course,
and he took it home.
When his wife saw the hamster
she jumps onto a table
and screams
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!"
And the man says,
"Never mind what it is,
teach it how to cook and clean
and get the fuck out!"
Well, I’ve found my toothless hamster...
Her name is susan...
She already knows how to cook and clean...
Basically
Just get the fuck out."
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