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BLARKO!® By Zach Seemayer and Lev Shtrikman From OMNI-ASS (The Omni Association), the company that brought you Pantiums and Strap-a-Monkey-On-Your-Back, brings you the miracle of modern technology: Blarko!® Blarko!® is everything that you have wanted for so long. Do you want to be successful like your daddy? Well, he’s from a generation that understood the value of hard work, so you will probably never live up to his standards. But, with Blarko!®, you can at least try. Do you need an A+ on your next college mid-term or you’ll loose that football scholarship, and the umbrella of protection from being charged for dating-raping all those girls that the scholarship comes with? Let me guess, you couldn’t study for it because you were up too late last night date-raping some girl. Don’t worry. Blarko!® is here. It will take care of both things at once. BLARKO!®: It’s what we’ve been putting in your water for 33 years. BLARKO!®: It’s in the air. BLARKO!®: No cure. No treatment. BLARKO!®: It’s already in you. BLARKO!®: Defining this, the last generation. Don’t believe us? Well, take our word for it. But if you want to be a bitch about it and get a second opinion, how about all these testimonials from satisfied customers. “Blarko!® is the finest advancement in science since phrenology” - A world-famous scientist “Blarko!® fixed my plumbing, killed the spiders in my attic, re-did my electrical, and sexed my wife. Thanks Blarko!®” -Ignorant Husband “Blarko!® changed my life. Forever. I’ll never get those days back, trapped in that basement. It’s all Blarko!®’s fault. Jesus, the blowtorch…the pliers… WHY BLARKO!®, WHY?!?” -Nameless Victim BUY! BUY! BUY! |
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