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Why Bush Needs To Kill Kitens And Beat A Women With A Crowbar By Zach Seemayer I would like to know what this president has to do before he actually gets in any real trouble for his actions or crimes. Presidents of bygone days were actually held accountable for much less than what this man has done. We are in a viper’s nest of a war, we are nearly-universally disliked due to his mishandling of, well, everything, and our civil liberties seem to be eroding away on a daily basis. It started innocently enough. It started with controversy during the 2000 election. During the campaign Bush even seemed like he might be a pretty good guy. He was defiantly personable enough, and more animated than a block of wood; a trait not shared by his opponent. Okay, so there is questionable voting. Hanging chads, missing ballot boxes, blacks not being allowed to vote, nothing terribly uncommon in Florida. Oh, and Bush’s brother just happens to be the state’s governor you say? I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. I look back at my ignorance, my lack of utter disdain and paranoia, and I am forced to scold myself. Okay, so, the man who has run a handful of failed companies into the ground is now our president. Nothing to worry about; Truman was a failed haberdasher who bankrupted his store, so even good presidents can have bad business sense. Then 9/11 happened, and everything changed. The worst terrorist attack on American soil next to Pearl Harbor lead to America having the sympathy and support of nearly every country and group in the world, excluding those who attacked us obviously. And what does Bush do? He squanders that support faster than an English Football hooligan goes through six pints of Guinness. This was the point when I really started to worry. I have to admit, I am a pacifist, but even I supported the invasion of Afghanistan to eliminate the Taliban. I was probably just swept up in the sting of being so brutally attacked. Then we declared war on Terrorism. I didn’t know you could literally declare war on a concept. Our war on drugs, which is just a joke anyway, doesn’t involve the armed forces. Our war on poverty doesn’t involve marines going around and shooting the homeless. We declared military war on a concept so broad and general that it would go on forever. It was then that I realized this is exactly what Bush intended. Shock and Awe. We delivered a constant bombardment on a country we say we are trying to liberate. The only thing it liberated were Iraqis from the terrestrial plain of existence. “Operation: Iraqi Freedom” is just as much a lie as is the “evidence” that got us into the war. Said bluntly, President Bush lied about Saddam having Weapons of Mass Destruction. He said that they were buying enriched uranium from Africa, and when it was revealed that this was not true, Bush pleaded ignorance. At first his ignorance was sort of endearing. When he couldn’t say “subliminal” or “nuclear” he seemed down-to-Earth. But stupidity cannot be his excuse for every mistake and every lie. This is for two reasons; if he is this idiotic, he has no business being a president and if he’s acting this dimwitted, it means he’s just an egregious liar, and again has no business being our president. Now there is evidence beginning to emerge that suggests he may have ordered CIA agent Valerie Plame’s name to be leaked as political payback, he is having Halliburton, the company that his Vice President was the corrupt CEO of, be the one who is pumping the oil in Iraq. He suspended civil rights in many aspects when the PATROIT ACT was passed, and can now keep anyone who is even suspected of being a terrorist for as long as he likes without representation. He has been wire-tapping the phone-lines of American citizens and now is having the NSA go over millions of phone records and Internet search records without any warrants or court orders. Its almost as if I sat down and tried to write a list of things he could do that would get him impeached, and now he feels like checking all of them off. And the amazing thing is that, when he gets in trouble for a little while, he then does something even crazier, and everyone forgets about the other terrible thing he has done. I’ve never heard anything like it. You know, Nixon had his lackeys bug the democratic headquarters and steal sensitive materials, and this sort of scandal being revealed to have taken place in the highest level of political office forced him to resign. However, every month Bush is caught in a scandal that makes Nixon’s seem miniscule and he is still relaxing in the oval office. Nixon bugged his opposing party’s headquarters; Bush is bugging the entire country under the guise of protecting us. His crimes are far sicker. Honestly, I am wracking my brain thinking of things for him to do to get people to forget the other horrible actions. Mr. President, I have a suggestion. Your getting a lot of heat for this whole “wire tapping” thing, with Sen. Feingold trying to censure you and whatnot. What you need to do is get people to forget this scandal by doing something twice as outrageous. How about declaring that all newspapers that write negative articles about you are enemy combatants and terrorists and close them down. Then, when then heat gets too scorching from that, distracting them again. Lets try this: Making it a felony to be a registered Democrat. Everyone will change party affiliations and you republicans will have 100 percent of all three branches of government. But even then you’re going to need to do something more scandalous. I say something really insanely bad. Let a few people see you kill some kittens while beating a pregnant with a crowbar at a press conference. I don’t see a way in which this plan could fail for you Mr. President. Actually Mr. Bush, I am begging you, I know its tempting, but don’t take these suggestions to heart. With the weakness of your opposition party, some of them might actually work. |
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