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President Bush Pardons Charles Manson, Megatron, Hitler, and Hundreds More By Zach Seemayer Staff Writer In an apparent mass-pardoning spree, President Bush has now released hundreds of dangerous criminals, according to confused and terrified Bush Aides. Early reports out of Washington say that Bush has locked himself into the oval office with hundreds of pardoning papers, and has currently filled out all the copies carried in the Whitehouse. It appears he got the taste for controversial pardoning after commuting Scooter Libby’s sentence. “He’s in there, occasionally yelling obscenities and laughing manically, only breaking to stick his sweat-dripping, insane-looking face to shout for more copies of those damn release pardons,” said one Bush assistant who wished to keep his name withheld. “It’s really freakin’ us all out.” According to that aide, when he first got the pardon papers, tossed out of the barricaded office with no concern, he had to check them with Vice President Cheney to see if they were valid, or if they should be double-checked when Bush calmed down. “Cheney patted me on the shoulder, took the papers, and told me not to worry about it,” that Aide said. “Apparently, this kind of thing has happened before.” “He gets in these moods.” Said Cheney. “Unfortunately, that doesn’t make these pardons any less valid. I would hate to be any witness who testified against these criminals.” According to another Whitehouse assistant, Jean Torret who was charged with the duty of filing the pardons saw whom the President was letting off. She was both horrified and sickened at the long list. “Everyone from Charles Manson to the BTK is now a free man,” moaned Torret, while hopelessly shuffling through the hundreds of papers. “Some of these people aren’t even alive anymore. Here he has pardoned Hitler, over here is one releasing Al Capone. He even released Nixon. He’s not only has he been dead for 13 years, he was already pardons decades ago.” Other pardons include random names picked out of phone books, many of whom haven’t ever even been in jail, Jimmy Carter, Saddam Hussein, Megatron, OJ Simpson, Phil Spector, the tooth fairy (with the special note “she knows what she did”),“That Harrison Ford dude from ‘The Fugitive’,” and over 200 other actual, brutal killers currently held in prisons across the country. “Often, people with addictive personalities, upon giving up one vice, focus their addiction on another,” said Harriet Greene, director of the Psychology Department at George Washington University. “I think he has become addicted to pardoning people.” “He will be fine,” said Cheney. “By tomorrow he’ll be clean and calmed down, hopefully having learned a valuable lesson about moderation.” No end to this pardoning spree seems to be in sight, and the cabinet members and Whitehouse assistants all need to wait until Bush tires out, or crashes after this pardoning high. |
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