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Paris Hilton given title of honorary Ayatollah By Zach Seemayer and Lev Shtrikman Staff Writers Two days after serving a 22-day jail sentence in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, the heiress socialite has received the honorary title of Ayatollah, instantly making her one of the most revered and respected people in the Muslim world. The stunning announcement, made by what many would consider to be the equivalent of the Muslim Pope, came after it was revealed that other inmates gave Hilton a copy of the Qur’an, and explained why the white man was the devil. Like so many in jail, the heiress quickly became interested in the teachings of the Muslim faith. “We heard she was reading the Qur’an in prison,” said a Muslim spokesperson, “and we in the faith believed that her involvement might be able to give us the popularity we were lacking after that whole, unfortunate terrorism business.” If Hilton goes along with this announcement, she would find herself in the company of many other wealthy Islamic heiresses, but she will be the first to have had literally millions of men masturbating to night-vision images of her vagina. This unprecedented event has lead to many protests by Islamic clerics saying that a woman cannot be an Ayatollah. Some more fundamentalist believers say that women also can’t drive, work, think, or look at anything other then the floor. One Muslim man on the street said of the Middle East, “I think that she will find that the Middle East is very “that’s hot”. It is also “that dusty.” When asked directly about her religious beliefs, Hilton said, “I’m very spiritual.” which the Muslims clerics interpreted as ‘not Jewish,’ which made them very happy. It is unclear whether or not Hilton will conform to the strict rules of the faith. She would have to give up drinking and sex, so many believe it to be unlikely. |
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