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Robot Warrior: Hero or Menace? MENACE! By Lev Shtrikman Everyone likes Robot Warrior. “He’s such a humanitarian,” they say. How can that be? He’s not even human. Sure, we all applaud when he defeats the fiendish Garrrth from the Planet Evil. Yet, did anyone notice that after he came back triumphant from the otherworldly fourth hell to bring back the stolen Statue of Liberty, he didn’t remark once on the sociological and religious facets of the encounter. I’ve never seen that giant indestructible marvel voice a political opinion, not even once. Well I mean, besides his strong views on abortion. I attribute those to his views on biological processes as opposed to an affiliation with a major political power. Plus, his catch phrases aren’t even very catchy. “I will use my robotic powers to end your invasion of Earth. Life begins at Conception. Robo-Beam BLAST!” However valid my points may be, nobody knows him better than his trusted partner Robot Sidekick: Me: Well, tell me something about yourself. What are you about? Robot Sidekick: My name defines my function. Me: Fine, where do you stand on the issues? Robot Sidekick: I am currently not standing on anything; I am sitting. Me: Okay, lets talk about Robot Warrior. You’ve worked together for decades. He always tells you what to do, but does he ever listen to you? Robot Sidekick: We communicate on seventeen different frequencies…but no he never truly listens. If Robot Warrior can be so cruel to the ones closest to him, what chance does the rest of the world have? Despite the hype, Robot Warrior is as much a villain as the spleen-stealing pirates of the Amazon. Five years ago, he transformed a toxic landfill into a monumental lake lush with life for the urban dwellers to enjoy, but he didn’t consider all the consequences. Because of this new local “pool,” three children have drowned. These are kids who would have never even seen a body of water bigger than a bathtub without the Robot Warrior’s interference. I know that Robot Warrior can’t be everywhere at once, until his chronological displacement belt is repaired, but he can at least make the effort. United together, there is no way for us to physically harm his impermeable skin, but the ideological war could be ours. |
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